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Motivating your phlegmatic child (and yourself?)

File:Thomas Couture - Daydreams - Walters 3744.jpg
Daydreams by Thomas Couture (Wikimedia Commons). Can a phlegmatic be motivated to work hard?

After I wrote a post with tips for your choleric child, a readers asked if I would write one for phlegmatics as well. I’ve been thinking hard about how to motivate phlegmatics, as I work with C, age 8, who is phlegmatic/sanguine. Since I am phlegmatic/melancholic, I have also looked closely at what works for me.

In reading Fr. Conrad Hock’s book about the four temperaments, I was disappointed by his treatment of phlegmatics. He takes about two pages with each of the other three temperaments, but his main section about phlegmatics says only this:

The training of phlegmatic children is very difficult, because external influence has little effect upon them and internal personal motives are lacking. It is necessary to explain everything most minutely to them, and repeat it again and again, so that at least some impression may be made to last, and to accustom them by patience and charity to follow strictly a well-planned rule of life. The application of corporal punishment is less dangerous in the education of phlegmatic children; it is much more beneficial to them than to other children, especially to those of choleric or melancholic temperament.”

Not very encouraging for parents, is it?

I found similar dismissals of phlegmatics in online discussion by members of the Waldorf School, who rely greatly on temperaments in their teaching methods.

I have to wonder: was Fr. Hock a choleric? Is that we he gives phlegmatics short shrift? Art and Lorraine Bennett are much more sympathetic and helpful. If you haven’t read their book The Temperament God Gave You, I highly recommend it (although I think it does have some flaws).

Here are some things I have learned about motivating the phlegmatic.

The phlegmatic loves to have fun

Unlike the serious melancholic, the phlegmatic loves to spend time doing trivial things, as long as he enjoys them.

He loves games of chance. Many phlegmatics will use mental energy to play strategy games. C enjoys Stratego and Settlers of Cataan. I like Scrabble, crossword puzzles, and sudoku, but I don’t enjoy games such as Stratego or chess enough to expend the mental energy they demand.

Even as an adult, the phlegmatic desires lots of free time. While he may be a dependable worker, he leaves his work at the office and dives into his weekends. He has little problem resting on Sunday and enjoys a host of leisure activities.

I have always loved traveling, cooking, creating big celebrations for holidays, going to museums (and doing artwork on my own), watching movies, and of course, reading and writing.

Make his work fun

How can we leverage this love of fun to motivate the phlegmatic?

This is the child who will do his work if you promise the right reward. If he is diligent all week in school, reward him with a play date with a friend. Let him do an extra art project if he finishes his math in a reasonable time.

Use games to teach him times tables. Find books he loves and get him started reading on his own. I recently let C begin reading in bed for thirty minutes each night as his older brothers do. Now I find him reading on his own time. His reading skills are starting to take off. Reading is an easy, fun way for phlegmatics to be life-long learners.

Find an activity your child enjoys and use it to help him form better work habits. I love to write, so I was able to write a book start to finish in just over a year, despite my temperament. I have noticed lately that C has artistic talent, so I have suggested he might want to be an artist when he grows up. I am encouraging him to work harder on his art projects, always doing his best and being more detail-oriented.

Physical activity

The phlegmatic won’t put much effort into chores or homework on his own. Nor will he usually be good at or interested in most sports. But he might enjoy nature walks, hiking, swimming, soccer, or bowling.

I am terrible at most sports. After seven weeks of tennis instruction in college, I still could not hit the ball. I am not exaggerating. But the second half of the class was on bowling and I was able to do passably at that. Now I take the boys bowling once a season. C enjoys it too.

If I had my way, I would never get exercise. It’s not that every kind of exercise is distasteful, but that there are so many other things I’d like to do first! Exercise is never going to rank high in my priorities, even though I know I need it for my health. So what am I to do?

I have found that as a phlegmatic, I need to recognize and accept my weaknesses. You will probably laugh at how I get my exercise in. I walk around the circle of our house while reading a book. I need some exciting fiction to motivate me. I forbid myself to read the book at any time except when I’m walking.

I am going to try something similar with housework. I’d love to have a clean house, but I hate to clean it. So I’ve decided to get some audio books to put on only while I fold clothes, scrub the bathtub, etc.

I need to work with my temperament, instead of against it. Working against it ends in failure. I’ve been trying to overcome these faults all my life. Now’s the time to make progress.

Focus on one thing at a time

Spiritual writers tell us all to focus on just one virtue at a time. This is especially important for the phlegmatic, who has so little energy.

If you want a phlegmatic to form a habit of keeping his room clean, don’t give him anything else to concentrate on until he has mastered this. I had to start putting C in his room for thirty minutes every time he left his clothes on the floor (which was usually twice daily). After about a month of this, he is offending only once a week. It’s a small step, but it’s important. I can remind him of his success as I help him work on something new.

Work in small chunks

I confess I also take lots of breaks while working. I’ll do housework for half an hour, then spend ten minutes on the internet before taking up another task.

One of C’s chores is setting the table for supper. I am so tired of making sure he stays on task! We have begun using a timer. The first day, he had to work for two minutes with no goofing, then he got one minute free to play. Each time he did well, we extended the time one minute the next day. We are up to six minutes now. It’s made the chore into a game for him, and he seems to be forming better habits.

I am also teaching him to set the table as perfectly as possibly, putting each fork, knife, and spoon in the right place. I want him to consider what we are eating, then decide on his own what condiments we need. He is learning to set them inside the circle of plates rather than close to the edge.

I encourage you to try some of these things with your phlegmatic child, or with yourself if you are phlegmatic. Then tell us how it is working.

We must be able to do our duties well in order to be saints. We must be willing to put forth lots of effort to combat sin. We can start by forming good habits in little things.

Connie Rossini

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4 tips for getting kids to do chores

File:Ralph Hedley The Butter Churn 1897.jpg
The Butter Churn by Ralph Hedley (photo credit: Wikimedia Commons).

As I mentioned recently, mine is not the neatest house in the world, so why am I giving tips on cleaning with children? I have tried a few things lately that seem to work. Maybe by the time J goes off to college, I’ll be the parenting expert I thought I was when I started!

This list is not for those who have figured everything out already (you’re way ahead of me), nor for those with a natural love of housework. But the rest of you with kids might learn something from it.

1. Reward their efforts

This is the most obvious of the four tips. You may be thinking, “Duh!” But God is in the details (I had to mention God somehow, since this is a Christian blog).

When you homeschool, your house can be a perpetual wreck. Evening clean up once took my boys over two hours. Now they must clean and have their work approved before they can sit down to dinner. Or, if Dan and I are really tired or hungry, before they get desert. Yes, that’s their reward. They clean or they starve. It’s the only thing that has worked well for us. (Only one has ever missed a meal, and only once or twice.)

We do give them a very small allowance each week, just to teach them how to use money wisely and so they can’t complain that they are our slaves. In general, we expect them to help, because families support each other (not to mention that they make most of the work themselves).

2. Never refuse their help

D is saving up for a Tom Brady rookie card. That’s not how I would spend my capital, but he’s suddenly eager to do little chores to earn more money. I am always tempted to say no. Then I remind myself that I will never be able to afford a cleaning service, so why not take what is offered me?

D is watering the garden, watching J, and putting away laundry regularly now–again, for pennies. I am only out about $1 a week and my flowers look like they have a chance of surviving the summer. This is a win-win.

3. Clean with them

I have read this advice regarding toddlers, but just this summer learned that it works well for all ages. During our six-week breaks, we spend an hour every weekday morning reorganizing their books and toys. Yes, it takes that long to get everything neat again. This time we are moving along at a fast clip, because I am working with them.

This morning we cleaned out C’s closet, which was in atrocious shape. It would have taken them 3-4 mornings. Together we did it in 90 minutes. When we work as a team, there is less complaining and much less goofing around. Working on my own project beside them is almost as effective. This is a compromise between getting frustrated and doing the work myself, and relying totally on them. I don’t get as much of my work done, but the reduction in stress is worth it. Especially since D is doing his extra chores!

4. Tailor the chore to the child

C is my phlegmatic son. He is infamous for doing “cheaties” (the boys made that word up themselves)–sticking toys behind or under furniture or in toy boxes where they don’t belong, in order to save time and energy. He also sits around a lot, causing his brothers to yell at him.

A couple of months ago, I noticed that when they were in a hurry to watch a movie on the evenings I allow one, C would help M with his task of unloading the dishwasher. Sudden inspiration! Now C unloads the dishes, a task I can easily monitor to make sure it gets done quickly and correctly. Besides that, he cleans his room, sets the table, and does two other small jobs. D continues to load the dishwasher and M–who always hated doing the dishes–does a greater share of the general cleanup.

Consider your child’s temperament and inclinations when meting out chores. I want all my boys to learn they can be hard workers, given the right job. I also am working on their becoming experts in their various fields.

I hope you find these tips useful. PLEASE share with me the wisdom of your own experience.

Connie Rossini